The death of the love letter – welcome to the game

DO YOU remember back in the day when a guy would see a girl and admire her from a distance? He would take in her beauty and poise as a woman. He would never just abruptly approach her. Do you remember those days when the guy would send his friends, even his sisters to speak on his behalf to the girl he liked? He would do this in fear of talking to the girl himself. He would hope that if someone close to him spoke on his behalf, surely the girl would not reject his affection?

Do you remember those times when the guy finally summed up the courage to speak to the girl? He would always be respectful. In good time, he would always say exactly what he felt, “I love you”.  He would never beat about the bush. If he realized that it was going to take a little more work to win the girl he wanted, he would go into full planning mode. He would take the time to write her letters, patiently waiting for her at the school gate to walk her home. He always made sure that he always brought a little something for her, even an apple. The girl would giggle with delight at the little something her suitor would have brought.

Remember those days when guys would be so patient? They would go after the same girl for months, even years, until she accepted the love proposal. The guy would work hard at finding out the girl’s birthday, what she liked or disliked. It was always from the girl’s friend. Sometimes the guy would go as far as to befriend the girl’s brothers so that they would see that he was a good guy. In those days the guy had no problem waiting for the girl, even though at times it turned out that he had been waiting in vain. You snooze, you lose.

Remember those good old days, when guys were just guys, trying to win the love of a girl and girls were just girls, preparing for love and loving?

Now the whole game plan has changed. Most of those guys we used to know as young girls have ceased to exist. The same goes for those sweet innocent girls that took a guy’s breath away. Guys these days are moving at a fast pace. They expect poor girls still caught up in the non-existent world of romance, who still have that mentality of being the centre of attention, to catch up. Now, when a guy sees a girl he likes, he does not waste his time. Guys don’t even get their friends to speak to the girl on their behalf anymore.

Love letters and notes are a thing of the past. And telling a girl that you love her is so old school and a big, “No, no.” Guys are not the guys off the old. They have become ‘fast moving brothers’, with the smooth talking, empty sweet words.

Now, if a guy approaches you, don’t think you have a month or even weeks to make up your mind about him. Oh no! If you take time, guess what, he will move on to the next girl that he is now interested in. You snooze, you lose, so they say.

Now girls, when a guy approaches you these days, he will ask for your phone number and asks to hang out sometime. If you don’t give him your number, don’t think that he is going to try really hard to get it. Forget you and your number. That’s how the game goes. But if you do give him your number, he will call you and see if you can go for dinner or for a movie. Then after that, he may call you again. In some instances, it ends with just that one date. If he does call you again, you will go out a few more times before he tells you he likes you and would like to hang out with you more. This is as far as any mention of his for feelings for you will go.

Do not expect some grand confession of his affection you. This is a whole new a different breed. If you are one of the lucky ones, he may not be trying to just get into bed with you and leave. That’s if he hasn’t already done that.

Girls will try to go with the guy at this point, thinking that if they give him a little more time they will soon hear those special words “I love you!”  And girls nowadays also hurriedly get to the loving point before the guys, and before they have given the relationship enough time. They will do everything they can to get the guy to make a quick decision about them. It’s like the game played a switch on women. Now they are the ones who have to chase the guys for love. Girls will put their feelings out there and tell the guy, “I love you”. They do it first. Guess what? The guy will say something cute like, “Thank you.” Then he will start calling less than usual. He will then stop calling you altogether and before you know it, he would have efficiently removed himself from your life.

If he continues to call you, he will tell you at some point that he would like to see how things go with you. ‘Just kick it’ or ‘just go with the flow’. Simply put, it means the brother is not ready to put his feelings out there for you. He’s not ready to be with just you. Maybe because he is telling the same thing to two or three other girls he is seeing on the side, or you are probably one of those on the side. He still wants to have fun.

Guys are not the same now. They feel they have a lot of options to choose from. There is more excitement for them out there. So they say. The sad thing is that women are putting themselves under pressure, working hard to win a man’s affection. In the old days reality was the man working hard for the woman’s affection. “Vamwe vaitema ugariri.”

Where is the ‘African Woman’?

As for the women these days, gosh! Do you not ever wonder were that wholesome, grounded African woman went to? Some of the girls that men run into these days just seem like they came from a place where there was no mother or father. No aunt to teach them the proper way to be a woman. Let’s be real here, as an African woman, there is a way that we were raised. It is different from some other cultures. But nowadays, some girls seem like they missed some lessons in ‘African Woman Behavior 101’.

I am not being harsh on the ‘sisters.’ But some of the things we see out there are shocking. We see them with a different man each time we run into them. When did it become fashionable that the more men that chase after you, or that you date, the more you are desirable? Remember: ‘Where there is a bad smell files will swarm.’

This has been confused with ‘Girl Power’ or the independence of a sexually-liberated woman. Many of them have given their all. They have nothing left worth giving. I understand that a person has the right to choose whatever they want and whom they want it with. But sometimes, they behave like they are animals on the prowl and whatever comes their way, they we will take.

Money talks?

Guys don’t forget that if you are, by any chance, that ordinary man trying to be with a woman, these days, money talks. Gwen Guthrie said it, “No romance without finance.” Some ladies need to see the dollar sign before you even lay out your plan on the table. I respect the modern woman, but some of these women are just a whole new breed.

Love, respect, honesty

These days, the so-called ‘players’ are not just men. Women are also getting very good at being players. I guess that’s just ‘the way players play’. Times have definitely changed. And so have a lot of things. But, I would like to believe that love, respect and honesty are still the same.

The love game has become just that - a game where good girls will always come last and those hard-working honest boys will get themselves in a mess.

 It’s a rat race of love out there, the rules have changed so has ‘the game’. Where is the love?

There is still hope for that good brother just looking for the one woman that can complete him, as well as for that grounded girl that knows she has a lot to offer to a real man. There are some good people out there so listen to your heart; you will know the good seed from the bad.